May 10th, 1946
Well, I am in a relationship, Journal.
At first neither myself nor Cyrus put any
such ‘label’ upon what happened between the two of us at the Oasis. However, I quietly began acquiescing to drinking
his blood again and with much embarrassment began requesting to sleep in his
tent. It did not take more than two
nights before we were combining our tents into a much larger and more
comfortable space for the both of us. I
almost hate myself for not confessing my feelings for him sooner. While it is not all sunshine and desert
roses, many things have slid together like pieces of a scientific puzzle that
was just waiting for me to solve.
He is as caring and devoted as ever, but with added bonus of
holding me at night and kissing my cheek at random times.
This is all done away from prying eyes of course. When we are out in public he seems somehow
less attached to me than he did before we were together. He goes out of his way to put distance
between us and sometimes even masquerades as my servant. I believe we draw less attention than
previous. I suppose because we are not
just a deviant couple but also one of mixed race, he wants to protect me from
public outcry. I wish to speak to him on
such matters, but this whole situation is so new to me that I can hardly
comprehend it, let alone speak about it.
He has not pressured me about sexual encounters, so it has
been difficult to get him to touch me. I
wish for him to make the first move, but he will seldom do so without explicit
signals. I suppose with his years comes
worldly wisdom in the ways of the bedroom and so he only worries for my comfort
and not his own. If there was something
I was to suggest that he did not desire, I’m sure that he would tell me.
I am both afraid and excited to have him
learn of my deepest and darkest fantasies.
I do not want him to reject me. I
believe he thinks me an untouched flower and perhaps for now I shall let
him believe such a lie. With all terrors I once engaged, it is good to think there is some part of me ‘unspoiled’ that I can
offer. Even if it’s not entirely true.
Maybe if I just drink a little more and look to the future,
I can forget and buy into the perfect ideals of me that he holds. It’s a nice sentiment anyway.
The sex between us has been sweet and tender; mostly just
touching, fondling and Cyrus using his mouth.
I dared to try my mouth on him a few nights ago. I enjoyed the act perhaps more than I
should. I did not want to seem too
skilled and give myself away, but I cannot deny that I enjoy using my lips and
tongue on a man’s most intimate areas.
He also seemed to enjoy the act and I’ve done it a few times more
since.
He has an odd quirk that I’ve noticed, however. Cyrus flat out refuses to climax before
me. It does not matter what we are
doing, he will not release unless it is perfectly timed together, or I let go
first. I want to ask him why, but I fear
there may be some dark history involved that he may not wish to speak about. Perhaps I will get brave after a particularly
rutty tumble.
I know I keep talking about our intimacies, but I am shy
about them and need to get over that.
Plus, it has quickly become a large part of our relationship. Tonight I asked him if he desired to do ‘other’
things to me. He has not tried to
violate me, nor asked if I would wish him to.
He seemed surprised by the question, and replied that he assumed I had
never engaged in the act. Of course, I
have not had someone bugger me but that is not to say that I would not try with
someone I trusted.
He considered for far longer than I wanted. It made me nervous, but when he finally spoke
I understood his hesitation. He worried
over hurting me and stated he wished to ‘work up’ to something of that
magnitude. I am a doctor after-all and I
realize it could be damaging. However,
it never crossed my mind that he would harm me, not even with the knowledge of
his decent length and girth. At the end
of the conversation he agreed to purchase special ‘oil’ that he intends to mix
with a bit of his blood. He stated it
makes intercourse between two men less painful and reduces risk of tearing.
I appreciate his medical approach to this situation and look
forward to when we might put it into practice.
I have spent so long denying my perverse thoughts and
feelings that I am exhausted. Right now
I want nothing more than to give myself over to the decadence and allow myself
to be ravaged, body, mind and soul by this beautiful vampire. Of all the things I have done in my life, if this is what makes me a bad person, then
so be it.
I leave you for now, Journal. Until next I write.
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