Journal Entry 23

May 10th, 1946

Well, I am in a relationship, Journal.   

At first neither myself nor Cyrus put any such ‘label’ upon what happened between the two of us at the Oasis.  However, I quietly began acquiescing to drinking his blood again and with much embarrassment began requesting to sleep in his tent.  It did not take more than two nights before we were combining our tents into a much larger and more comfortable space for the both of us.  I almost hate myself for not confessing my feelings for him sooner.  While it is not all sunshine and desert roses, many things have slid together like pieces of a scientific puzzle that was just waiting for me to solve.

He is as caring and devoted as ever, but with added bonus of holding me at night and kissing my cheek at random times.  

This is all done away from prying eyes of course.  When we are out in public he seems somehow less attached to me than he did before we were together.  He goes out of his way to put distance between us and sometimes even masquerades as my servant.  I believe we draw less attention than previous.  I suppose because we are not just a deviant couple but also one of mixed race, he wants to protect me from public outcry.  I wish to speak to him on such matters, but this whole situation is so new to me that I can hardly comprehend it, let alone speak about it.

He has not pressured me about sexual encounters, so it has been difficult to get him to touch me.  I wish for him to make the first move, but he will seldom do so without explicit signals.  I suppose with his years comes worldly wisdom in the ways of the bedroom and so he only worries for my comfort and not his own.  If there was something I was to suggest that he did not desire, I’m sure that he would tell me.  

I am both afraid and excited to have him learn of my deepest and darkest fantasies.  I do not want him to reject me.  I believe he thinks me an untouched flower and perhaps for now I shall let him believe such a lie.  With all terrors I once engaged, it is good to think there is some part of me ‘unspoiled’ that I can offer.  Even if it’s not entirely true.

Maybe if I just drink a little more and look to the future, I can forget and buy into the perfect ideals of me that he holds.  It’s a nice sentiment anyway.

The sex between us has been sweet and tender; mostly just touching, fondling and Cyrus using his mouth.  I dared to try my mouth on him a few nights ago.  I enjoyed the act perhaps more than I should.  I did not want to seem too skilled and give myself away, but I cannot deny that I enjoy using my lips and tongue on a man’s most intimate areas.  He also seemed to enjoy the act and I’ve done it a few times more since.  

He has an odd quirk that I’ve noticed, however.  Cyrus flat out refuses to climax before me.  It does not matter what we are doing, he will not release unless it is perfectly timed together, or I let go first.  I want to ask him why, but I fear there may be some dark history involved that he may not wish to speak about.  Perhaps I will get brave after a particularly rutty tumble.

I know I keep talking about our intimacies, but I am shy about them and need to get over that.  Plus, it has quickly become a large part of our relationship.  Tonight I asked him if he desired to do ‘other’ things to me.  He has not tried to violate me, nor asked if I would wish him to.  He seemed surprised by the question, and replied that he assumed I had never engaged in the act.  Of course, I have not had someone bugger me but that is not to say that I would not try with someone I trusted.

He considered for far longer than I wanted.  It made me nervous, but when he finally spoke I understood his hesitation.  He worried over hurting me and stated he wished to ‘work up’ to something of that magnitude.  I am a doctor after-all and I realize it could be damaging.  However, it never crossed my mind that he would harm me, not even with the knowledge of his decent length and girth.  At the end of the conversation he agreed to purchase special ‘oil’ that he intends to mix with a bit of his blood.  He stated it makes intercourse between two men less painful and reduces risk of tearing.

I appreciate his medical approach to this situation and look forward to when we might put it into practice.  

I have spent so long denying my perverse thoughts and feelings that I am exhausted.  Right now I want nothing more than to give myself over to the decadence and allow myself to be ravaged, body, mind and soul by this beautiful vampire.  Of all the things I have done in my life, if this is what makes me a bad person, then so be it.

I leave you for now, Journal.  Until next I write.

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