May 19th, 1943
I feel as if a weight was lifted from my chest since E came to work alongside of me. I can breathe again, and the days no longer blend together into one solid nightmare. The two of us go about our daily activities, bumping into one another, laughing and being genuinely jovial. It has become routine for us to have breakfast, lunch and dinner together. I almost believe that the rest of our colleagues think the two of us to have begun a sort of unofficial romantic entanglement.
I am not certain as to whether or not this assumption is false.
The relationship between E and me is difficult to categorize. I feel strongly towards the boisterous nurse and were someone to threaten E with harm, I would act quickly and with great ferocity. I am protective of my little green-eyed friend. However, I am not certain that I am ‘in love.’
Perhaps there is no need for me to be?
Again I find myself daring to hope that a certain amount of comfort could be had with E at my side. The two of us could away from this place and as husband and wife, perhaps we could make it work. We are friends and with understanding of each other’s needs, I think that it has a chance. Of course, I have not said any of these thoughts to E. However, after what happened this evening, I think I might.
Today was a day like any other. This morning E and I had breakfast together, discussing what sorts of tasks were on the schedule. We went our separate days, and then there was a quick surgery in the middle right before lunch. We had lunch together, laughing and talking of whatever came to our minds. We again went about our day, covered in blood and gore, but I felt none of my usual dread, because I was looking forward to having dinner with my beautiful E.
E-E makes me look forward to things. I go to sleep thinking about what the next day may hold and then I wake up in the morning feeling refreshed. I have plans and perhaps even goals. I no longer feel quite so lost.
At any rate, E asked to have our dinner in my quarters.
I have my own large office area now with my sleeping space, bathroom and even an examination table. I have everything I need if I feel the need to work late hours.
We dined together, smiling and enjoying one another’s company. E brought a bottle of wine that I am not sure where came from. We drank the entire bottle and E suggested I go to find more alcohol. I did not think much of it. I excused myself and disappeared for a few minutes. When I returned to the room, I could not immediately locate E. The bathroom door was slightly ajar and I pushed it lightly, calling out, and that is when I saw my beautiful nurse friend, standing up over the toilet.
I was so startled that I pulled the door closed sharply with a mumbled apology. There was no mistaking what I saw, however. E was standing before the porcelain, relieving himself.
Flustered, confused, and perhaps a bit intrigued, I sat down and poured myself a drink from the bottle that I managed to confiscate in my travels. I had drained two glasses before E emerged from the bathroom, smoothing his hands down the front of his little nurse’s uniform. He offered me an explanation that his size and apparent ‘soft’ look did not afford him to march around as a male. I nodded thoughtfully as I gazed into those beautiful green eyes.
I cannot deny that E is a beautiful creature. It is hard to imagine him dressed in some stuffy suit or even army fatigues. It would be impossible for the Germans to have taken him as a soldier, and for him to receive an education with the way politics in our country currently were…it would be impossible. I felt sad, because E is such a wonderful nurse.
He smiled at me, pressing fingertips to my lips. He told me never to feel sad for him, never to feel bad for him, that he enjoyed dressing as a woman.
I suppose he does seem to enjoy the stockings and little skirts. They suit him. I feel odd writing this, but they do.
As I stared at his form, now aware of what was beneath his clothes, I wanted him all the more. My mind was awash of possibilities. The two of us could have a secret life only shared between the two of us and no one would be the wiser. I believe I was smiling about the idea of marrying E, adopting children, making my parents proud, because he advanced on me then.
Before I knew what was happening, E was on his knees before me. I sat back in my office chair, startled and more than a bit confused. He massaged at my knees and thighs. I had no idea what he was doing, even with the cues of unbuckling my pants and unfastening my trousers.
I do not know how to describe what E did to me. It was pure bliss and ecstasy the likes of which I have never known. That beautiful creature reduced me to a quivering mass of groans and pants. As lewd of me as it is to admit, he drank me down without spilling a drop. I allowed him not only to touch and fondle me, but to suckle at me like candy.
When he was finished, E leaned towards my face. I was not turned off by the idea that my sex had been in his mouth. However, I had that feeling that I remember from long ago. It was like a tiny voice in the back of my head telling me that my kiss did not belong to him. I turned my head away just a bit. I expected E to be upset with me, but he was not. He told me that he understood. He told me that he was not ‘The One,’ but to have Faith; soon I would meet the person destined for my first kiss.
Carefully he put my pants back in order and then just before he left the room, he removed his silky white panties and stuffed them into the front pocket of my lab coat. Those frilly underthings are sitting next to me as I write. I feel utterly ashamed at my perversion. I have stared at them, touched them, and even smelled of them since they were entrusted to me.
Truly there must be nothing that will rid me of my inner lustful nature.
Be that as it may. I suppose I have unraveled the mystery as to why I have been attracted to E all this time. I think it was in his scent. Though his scent is light and airy, with that undertone of the Sea, there was always something else that drew me to him. There is a musk there that lights a flame inside me. I believe that musk is only present in certain kinds of individuals, and those individuals are socially unacceptable for me to be attracted.
As to what will happen between E and me after this; I have no clue. Tomorrow I will begin my day by having breakfast with E as I always do. I will treat E as I always have, with the respect and dignity that such a talented, intelligent, and beautiful nurse deserves. I adore E. I hope that we can remain friends for a long time.