Journal Entry 17

June 2nd, 1945

I do not know how to describe today.  In the back of my mind, I knew today was the one year anniversary of the night Cyrus came into my life, but at the same time I had somehow ignored it.  Life for the two of us is difficult and sporadic.  I rarely know what day of the week it is, let alone the date.  However, my vampire most certainly knew.  There was a small gift and a note left for me when I woke.  It stated there were some things he needed to ‘deal with’ and that he would be absent most of the day and the night.  

I worried after him terribly.  Cyrus is rarely gone from his quiet blackened sleeping spot during the daylight hours.  He also does not keep secrets from me.  It is strange that I have come to expect a manner of openness when it comes to the two of us, but for the most part he has been truthful and candid.

I sat alone in the log cabin we have called home for many months.  I opened the ‘gift’ which was as thoughtful as ever.  On every holiday he brings me chocolates and today was no exception.  He also gifted me with a German anatomy book that appeared to have been pilfered from a school.  Lastly, a fresh set of pens and a small pad of paper to compliment it all.  

I could not enjoy any of it; however, because I was too busy worrying about Cyrus.  

He returned well into the night stopping at the cabin just long enough to tell me that he had returned.  He was drenched in blood and his clothes were torn.  He looked upset and informed me that we would be packing up and leaving the cabin in the next few days.  He did not enter the cabin and instead stated he would rinse off the blood in the pond directly behind.

There is a window facing the pond and it just happens to be the window in my bedroom.  I stood at the window and watched him undress in the moonlight.  I pressed my hands to the glass and in my mind, begged him to turn and notice me watching.  I had worried over him that whole day and now to see him covered in blood and fretting over our next move…it dug at my heart.

As his nude body stepped into the water I felt heat flood my nether regions.  I knew it was wrong to lust after him in this way.  It started out as worry and a want to be close to him emotionally, but it quickly turned to desire and a want to be near him physically.

The blood looked black in the moonlight and I imagined it to be chocolate dripping down his rippling muscles.  My hand ghosted down the front of my trousers and soon I was unzipping to free myself.  My breath fogged up the window as I panted with each teasing stroke of my hand.  I was screaming in my mind; please turn around!  Please notice me!  I am standing right here!

He never turned.

I finished myself, making a sticky mess across my hand and dripping onto the floor.  My eyes flooded with angry tears and I shut the curtains.  I went to the washing basin and washed my hands until they were red. 

I think I hate myself.  I do not know how much longer I can live this way.

I’m going insane!

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