June 2nd, 1945
I do not know how to describe today. In the back of my mind, I knew today was the
one year anniversary of the night Cyrus came into my life, but at the same time
I had somehow ignored it. Life for the
two of us is difficult and sporadic. I
rarely know what day of the week it is, let alone the date. However, my vampire most certainly knew. There was a small gift and a note left for me
when I woke. It stated there were some
things he needed to ‘deal with’ and that he would be absent most of the day and
the night.
I worried after him terribly. Cyrus is rarely gone from his quiet blackened
sleeping spot during the daylight hours.
He also does not keep secrets from me.
It is strange that I have come to expect a manner of openness when it
comes to the two of us, but for the most part he has been truthful and candid.
I sat alone in the log cabin we have called home for many
months. I opened the ‘gift’ which was as
thoughtful as ever. On every holiday he brings me
chocolates and today was no exception. He
also gifted me with a German anatomy book that appeared to have been pilfered
from a school. Lastly, a fresh set of pens and a
small pad of paper to compliment it all.
I could not enjoy any of it; however, because I was too busy
worrying about Cyrus.
He returned well
into the night stopping at the cabin just long enough to tell me that he had
returned. He was drenched in blood and
his clothes were torn. He looked upset
and informed me that we would be packing up and leaving the cabin in the next few
days. He did not enter the cabin and
instead stated he would rinse off the blood in the pond directly behind.
There is a window facing the pond and it just happens to be
the window in my bedroom. I stood at the
window and watched him undress in the moonlight. I pressed my hands to the glass and in my
mind, begged him to turn and notice me watching. I had worried over him that whole day and now
to see him covered in blood and fretting over our next move…it dug at my heart.
As his nude body stepped into the water I felt heat flood my
nether regions. I knew it was wrong to
lust after him in this way. It started
out as worry and a want to be close to him emotionally, but it quickly turned to
desire and a want to be near him physically.
The blood looked black in the moonlight and I imagined it to
be chocolate dripping down his rippling muscles. My hand ghosted down the front of my trousers
and soon I was unzipping to free myself.
My breath fogged up the window as I panted with each teasing stroke of
my hand. I was screaming in my mind; please turn around! Please notice me! I am standing right here!
He never turned.
I finished myself, making a sticky mess across my hand and
dripping onto the floor. My eyes flooded
with angry tears and I shut the curtains.
I went to the washing basin and washed my hands until they were
red.
I think I hate myself.
I do not know how much longer I can live this way.
I’m going insane!
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