February 15th, 1944
I am alone again in this terrible place. The past few months were awash with comfort, anxiety, fear, longing and depression. I knew that E would eventually leave me, but the actuality of that event was far worse than the lingering knowledge in the back of my mind. He tried to prepare me for it, but knowing that tomorrow we will not be having meals together or sharing secret smiles just makes me want to give up on life.
The past few months we worked as hard as we dared to free the vampires and sometimes other creatures that entered these walls. I would falsify charts and records, declare them dead when I could and when we ‘disposed’ of bodies, we were actually freeing prisoners. There were so many times that I thought the two of us would be caught, but miraculously it never happened.
I suppose I shall try to do as much of the work we started as I can by myself. It will be difficult and I shall have to be more careful. I know some of the others are suspicious, but with the war encroaching upon us, I do not think anyone cares as much anymore. There is a real possibility that we will find Allied Soldiers at our doors one day and then what shall we all do?
Technically speaking, whether we are here of our own accord or not, we are on the wrong side of this war. I suppose I can only hope for a swift death when the time comes. It is not as if we ever made much headway with the research. I mean there is plenty of information on supernatural creatures, which I intend to make sure never reaches eyes that it should not. Other than that, we are no closer to unlocking the true secrets than we were at the beginning.
Back to my last happy memories of E; I would rather focus on those than the doom and gloom.
He spent the holidays with me and I believe that was more for my benefit than for his. I think he was ready to leave somewhere around Halloween. Still, we spent Christmas, the New Year, and even St. Valentine’s at one another’s side. It was not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but it was nice to have a friend during those times.
I cannot explain what it is like to spend holidays during a war. It is as if they mean so much more than they did in previous years, but at the same time there is a looming sadness. I suppose if you have never experienced, please just trust me that it is different.
This last day we spent alone together by feigning sickness that we’d passed between the two of us. No one cared enough to bother us. Everyone here is so jaded and tired, too tired to bother anyone else in their day-to-day comings and goings.
We ate, we hugged, we talked, and for a while we just sat and held one another without saying anything. Then, for no reason that I can put on paper, I told E that I felt like I had ruined myself. I recounted had he told me there was someone out there for me, but that I spoiled it when I became angry some months ago and did those perverse things to him. I had even kissed him, which I had said I would not do.
E smiled and urged my head into his lap. He told me that it wasn’t the same. I had kissed him, but I had still never allowed anyone to kiss me. I had never allowed anyone beyond my outer defenses and into my heart. He told me that there was a difference between ‘Dr. Frankenstein’ and the shy little boy that was Lorenz Meissner. He said that one day someone would kiss and make love to Lorenz Meissner and that person was my true love.
I’m not sure I understand any of what he was saying. I am far too emotionally drained by this place, this war, and now by losing my best friend.
I am glad that E is gone from this place. I know in my heart that he is safe. I wish to believe that what he was saying is true and that I will make it out alive as well, but a part of me also wishes for death.
I am just so tired.
Forgive me Journal. I just can’t anymore.
Maybe I’ll try again another day.